In retrospect, I used a couple of words to describe my mother that are filled with negative energy. I’ve come to believe that it helps me to be who I want to be when I am able to avoid putting negative energy into the universe. I don’t just mean that in the sense of coming to terms with how years of abuse and neglect have impacted me. I mean it in the context of my entire life.
K and I touched upon that in one of our sessions. Since I have not mentioned her yet, K is my therapist, and I’ve seen her a couplethree times thus far. K will have to do for her name, as I am not sure of her level of comfort in having it broadcast to the world. And while most of this has been my own journey, this part of it she and I will share.
I’m not sure how it works, but you know how it is when you meet someone, and you very quickly know that this person ‘clicks’ with you? That is how it is with K for me. I’ve been to other counselors who wanted to delve into this serpent’s nest, but there was no way. I had to feel like the person could be trusted with that part of me. I don’t mean trust in the confidentiality sense, more like in the sense that they were up to it ability-wise, and that they at least could accept some of my beliefs, if not share them.
eg, the energy thing. I don’t want to put negative energy out there. Why? It’s simple, I believe that you get back what you give. I believe that when we put negative energy out, the person that we harm most is ourselves.
And lest anyone get confused, this has nothing to do with trying to avoid feelings or reactions that this childhood clusterfuck brings to life. What it does have to do with is having a choice.
Have I lost you yet? I almost have lost myself, as it is very late, and the Sandman is tugging at my sleeve.
To try to clarify, it means that yes, I can indeed use words like “weak” and “spineless”. Are those apt descriptions? In my expert opinion, having been the recipient of her actions and lack thereof, I’d say, yes, Virginia, those are indeed apt descriptions.
But the connotations of the words themselves is negative. And as soon as I even think them in my head in relationship to her, knots start forming in my stomach. Knots of anger, disdain, and contempt. And me having those knots isn’t hurting anyone but me.
All that could lead to a very lengthy post about the internal war that I feel on forgiveness and letting go. A post I am not *even* going to attempt at 2:00 a.m.
So to close this out, let me re-word the bit I used. Let’s pretend that instead of “weak” and “spineless” I said something along a way of thinking that K suggested. And that would be to act as if I can say “for whatever reasons, she was unable to give the protection to her children that we normally think of mother’s giving”.
What was easy to pretend, wasn’t it? I’m a pro at pretending.